Tuesday, July 21, 2015

  Sometimes when you think you love someone, you think that when they hurt you you're experiencing heartbreak. There was a boy named Victor who I thought I loved and who I thought I was heart broken over. But what really stung about the whole thing was that I thought he loved me too. It turns out that he just wanted me for sex. I was 15 when I lost my virginity to Victor, but it was clear that it wasn't his first time...Or second... Or even third. But I did anything for him because of something I thought was love. There was a time I even snuck out of my house- the night before my Aunt's wedding- and went all the way to Bartlett. Now mind you, Bartlett is about an hour away from my house. He drove all the way to my house to pick me up and then took me all the way to Bartlett to his friends house. Turns out one of his long time friends was on vacation with his family and they have asked him to dog sit. Some of his friends were already there and I wasn't expecting it. I had told him that he would have to take me home early in the morning so that my parents wouldn't find out that I had snuck out but we ended up falling asleep together. My mom called me in the morning screaming at me "where the hell are you?!" I heard from the phone. I knew in that moment that I had gotten caught in the act and that I was in big trouble. Victor was to bring me home right away and my mom was even more mad that I had snuck out before my Aunt's wedding. My mom came out to Victor's car and screamed at me "get inside now!!" I put up a little fight but then gave up and went inside. She told Victor to stay away from me and I was never allowed to see him or talk to him again. I remember throughout that day that I cried and cried. I thought that was the end of the world at the time. It turned out that eventually they planned to meet up with him so we could discuss everything. It took him an hour to get to the destination. I knew then that reconnecting with me wasn't one of his priorities. He finally arrived and we talked about everything. It was a shock to me that my parents decided that we could see each other again. Victor had told them and myself that he didn't want to jump back into it but he wanted to date me again. So we started to talk again and then out of nowhere he didn't talk to me and ignored my texts. I was confused and hurt. Finally, he responded back saying that he can't do a relationship because he had a lot of things going on with himself which he needed to fix himself but that we would get back together. Then he once more didn't talk to me and finally said that he didn't want to be together anymore. Period. And that was the end. I was heartbroken at the thought of that. It took me a long time to get any actual feeling for someone back. I had dated guys just to date and get my mind and heart off of Victor. I had eventually taken everyone's advice and gave up on SEARCHING for someone to love and love me. I decided to let "fate" take its course and handle who I would end up. Trust me, it sounds corny, stupid, and the last thing you want to hear when you're heartbroken and having a hard time feeling something with someone. Believe me, I was the same way. I thought that advice was so cliche, but eventually I listened to it. I'm thankful I did, because it led me to Ryan.